I was reflecting the other day on what I think a huge piece of our daily mindset and happiness comes from, and how we can approach anything, from goal setting for the new year coming up, to raising our kids, to looking forward to something positive in the new year like an exotic trip. Some conversations with close friends highlighted that when we’re making changes, we wonder how to make sure it will stick; do we have the right framework for it, to make the habits, goals, and all other elements come together? What tools will ensure that this change we’re working on is lasting and meaningful?
Well, I think it has to do with this paradigm shift that literally blew my mind and caused me to re-evaluate so many principles and things I was working with, from relationships, to teammate interactions, goal setting sessions, even my daily to-do list and how I approached it with a fierceness, convinced that if I conquered it I would rest that night with that blissful feeling of doing it all, but in reality–any mom can tell you–the day had a million interruptions and sometimes those all important items became an afterthought to the living. Do we measure success by our to-do list being short, or by something else?
So….how can we approach life differently? How can we create/cultivate happiness, in each moment, complete for what it is, as if we already have what we seek? You and I all know people who manage to live this way…and they are often very attractive, so they have natural leadership qualities. But what is this new approach?
Here’s a quote that sums it up better than I ever could:
Most people believe that if they ‘have’ a thing (more time, money, love – whatever) then they can finally ‘do’ a thing (write a book, take up a hobby, go on vacation, buy a home, undertake a relationship), which will enable them to ‘be’ a thing (happy, peaceful, content, or in love). In actuality, they are reversing the Be-Do-Have paradigm. In the Universe as it really is (as opposed to how you think it is), ‘havingness’ does not produce ‘beingness’ but the other way around. First you ‘be’ the thing called ‘happy’ (or ‘knowing’, or ‘wise’, or ‘compassionate’, or whatever) then you start ‘doing’ things from this place of beingness – and soon you discover that what you are doing winds up bringing you the things you’ve always wanted to ‘have.’ Conversations with God, Book 3, Neale Donald Walsh
So…imagine if you woke up and said…today, I choose to be _________ (peaceful, joyful, focused (on a deadline), vibrant, lighthearted, etc) and then set out to do your day, from that conviction that you already can be and are that thing. It’s a grounding in ourselves and not relying on things outside of us to determine our mood or attitude about the day. Incredibly powerful shift, though so subtle that you might feel that your day itself doesn’t look that much different. But try it out and it will FEEL incredible different.
I was loving this concept and using it alot in my business, which is all about setting goals and helping your teammates to set big goals…because sometimes for myself or others, this funny thing would happen….month after month, with growth, new business, success, milestones, even accolades, we can sometimes feeling empty inside, or “is this enough”. Or, well, time to focus on the next big goal–to try to that proud feeling of accomplishment that is so sweet and is hardwired in us to enjoy.
It’s like you’ve been waiting all year for your birthday, and then the sheer anticipation overwhelms the actual event and makes it hard to have perspective on what you’re actually enjoying about the big day.
Can anyone else relate? Especially my goal lovers out there who love a good goal to keep ourselves in motion. Well, it turns out…there’s something else here. We have to, get to, learn to love the journey, not just the destination. That’s where the being and the doing come in. If I just tell myself, I will be happy when I get that next raise at work, or next month at the holidays, or I’ll be happy when my kids finally start listening better, or I’ll be happy when I have a new wardrobe, or sofa,…you see what I mean? It’s always outside of us, of our control, and it’s always beckoning us to be dis-satisfied with what we currently have. It screams louder when we go on social media and compare, compare, feel upset, guilty, pitty party, everyone else’s life is (looks) perfect and mine is…well, real life.
Give yourself permission to let that go. Connect with what you’re feeling called to BE in the world (we’ll do more of this work in my design your life series in the new year, so hop on over to the page and submit your info if you’re intrigued). And let’s shine and use our gifts in a way that is free and unlinked to anything that we feel we should HAVE or DO, that hasn’t happened yet.
For me, this has taught me to focus a bit more on what my spirit is calling forth in me. If there’s a need for greater outspokenness, or greater peace or patience (in my household that’s always a good one!), or if I’m meant to start with gratitude for what I already have rather than thinking of the few things I don’t have. It’s a powerful lesson to work on with kids as well, because why, at a young age, do we get hardwired this way? I’m definitely trying to re-wire or un-wire the circuits so my kids are free to focus on BEING, rather than be products of cultures of DOING or HAVING. Watch a 4 year old play and you’ll see and remember it all used to be much simpler….and there’s a beauty in that. You can think more about this topic by reading The Four Agreements, another one of my top reads.
In leadership, it means focusing in on the qualities or aspects of your partners or teammates and speaking to THOSE first. Rather than “here’s a deadline, I’ll be judging you by your efforts and productivity to meet it”. Or, exploring the perspective of where a person wants to be, and asking the question–but WHY? And getting down to the deepest layer of what drives them forward; within that motivation, we find the desire and the being, that is much more fundamental to us than our need to DO or HAVE.
My daily planner which I’ve been using for 2 years (just ordered my 3rd for 2018! Happy dance) is one called “The Desire Map Planner” by Danielle LaPorte. It spoke to me on a deep level when I was at a crossroads (read, overwhelmed by life!) and was ready to implement these principles for goal setting and action from a place of being and becoming, and feeling, rather than traditional yardsticks. It may not be for everyone, but it’s changed my life, and I HIGHLY recommend it if you’re in the market for a planner…that’s another post for another day, but give yourself permission to explore these topics, and enjoy the way your life shifts!
Great short article with some practical types on working your new muscle.
http://www.davidyarian.com/articles/be-do-have.htm