If you’d asked me in June how I was feeling about the summer–I would have said–excited and nervous. Going from 3 littles last summer to 4 this summer was definitely an adjustment for all of us. And now, as I pause, and breathe deeply on the far side of our first summer with 4, I want to document a bit about our summer rhythms, and flow, how we grew, and adapted. This year, one of the words I chose for 2019 was integration, that of integrating a new person into our family, and this summer was the true beautiful test of all that. Since Blaise joined us in the middle of our school year routines, his calm, sunny presence changed things a bit but we did early postpartum with lots of quiet at home, and had our school schedule set in place…so when mid June rolled around…I faced the prospect of a summer with alot of time together, & setting new schedules and rhythms with the 4 littles, and I sent up a quick prayer, wondering just how it would go.
And GO it has…nothing like the days flying by when we’re busy…but it’s been truly incredible to see the kids all grow in their relationships with each other, and to see that these days have enriched all of us so deeply, as we pause on the cusp of a new school year.
Another word for 2019 for me has been Intention–and this related to our more intentional use (or limiting use) of technology this summer. It’s such a fight that for many of us mommas, begins with awareness of our own habits. I know my little ones, at all three ages above infant, are watching and modeling, and I wanted to foster more intentional “down time” or “unplugged time” so that the kids would just focus on–being kids, in the summer. This also meant less screen time for me, and I can’t tell you how much freer, happier and more alive I feel when I limit my use of screens during a given day. Understanding why, where, when we reach for our phones, especially when the daily needs and challenges of leaning in to being present to the kids, was calling to me to pay attention, in an urgent way. It has been a transformative time in that regard, and I am entering the fall with much clearer sense of the role I want screens to play in our lives (read, limited).
As I share in my post reflecting on keeping a humble garden in the summer (coming soon!)…it’s so tempting to keep things tightly scheduled in summer (for kids)–for fear of summer boredom. Boredom is the seed of so much creativity, resilience, imagination and more, but we’re often wary of it, unsure of how it will be resolved…or more directly relevant, the constant pull/challenges of fighting the draw of screen time: with more unplanned hours, there’s more of a draw towards it…which no mother wants to always be battling.
BUT….what we’ve found, in the midst of our mellow summer pace–besides traveling the first 2 weeks of summer, and a mid August local getaway—we’ve pretty much stayed put–is that so much develops and unfolds in a beautiful new rhythm, and I’ve had to be flexible, with what the days should look like–involving 4 little people’s schedules and their needs, as well as those of the momma 😉
It’s a joy to my heart that I couldn’t begin to put into words until it was happening–having them all around, relaxing, and sleeping in until whatever time we want…I LOVE seeing the kids all wake just exactly when their bodies tell them to.. Often they rush in, rubbing eyes, one by one, and just hang out in mom and dad’s bed with us, chatting, without any urgent deadlines, our plans for the day…these moments have felt like such a special gift.
It’s such a brief moment of summer (9 weeks) before back to the stricter schedule, so a relaxed morning structure for them—while it starts to get to me—is balanced with a sense that this rounds out the year. And it means I can focus on my morning rituals as well, before they wake–several times a week I am sneaking out on a walk before things get busy and Joel gets out the door, to get my head clear and ready for a full day of mothering. Those early moments in nature on summer mornings–on country roads with the world just teeming with aliveness–are some of the best thinking moments I have. And then slooww breakfast times, being creative with what we cook up, doing whatever the heck we want around the house and yard, tending to garden, playing with their car, etc…and giving me a moment to do tea with journal, a garden kale omelette, and some spiritual or other reading on the porch.
Momma time-out moments: I fight hard to find those moments, they are truly what keep me going. And I take those time outs for myself, without guilt, and especially since with girls around they can mind the boys for a few min at a time, and are usually adoring on Blaise anyway…as any mom will tell you–sometimes looking at the day as a marathon, rather than a sprint, helps us to plan and conserve/rebuild our energy and mental rest. Because I’m postpartum (5-7 months during summer, I was always focused on my own good energy-building habits, good rest, stretching, and mental time-outs, as needed). See my fav postpartum life enhancing tools here.
Mid morning, during Blaise’s first long nap, I’m always doing a quick clean-up, making sure folks are mostly dressed (even if it’s swimsuits ;)) a load of laundry, checking in with relevant clients, coaching groups and my quick business touch-points–knowing I can come back to it again during an afternoon naptime. I scale way back on my already very low-key work balance during the summer, and most days, it works. Setting up a business to run well on it’s own has taken years, and it’s SO worth it. The blessing of passive income. I use the summer months to dream, think big picture, brainstorm, occasionally try new things (run challenges) but often to just pause so I can let new ideas and plans percolate. This summer I’m in a business incubator, helping me with some new growth focus, but in a very low-key way. I am often torn–excitement and plans for the next course I’m creating/thoughts of blog posts to write, connections to develop, clients to connect with, etc. But when I remember just how short the summer is (no matter how long a single day can be!) it helps me put aside the temptation to multi-task/focus alot elsewhere…and really work on being present to them.
It’s so nice to be able to outsource things like deep-cleaning, save groceries for a single shopping on the weekend (often as an outing with dad), laundry systems, and other things we’ve done to streamline and simplify life, transitioning from 3-4…those all stood us in good stead. I know my time and energy–though very present–should be applied to the right things–starting with the kids. I also welcomed, relied on family members taking the kids out once a week or so, or pitching in for a day that felt extra busy, so that we could all stay balanced…one whole week my cousin stayed with us, and I got to sneak out for salon time, have one-on-one time with my kiddos, and a date night. Having extra hands around is always welcome and always a blessing…themes from my early postpartum that are continuing to remain relevant and oh-so-helpful. It does take a village.
This summer I also was re-balancing my own social media and tech habits in a big way, craving being outside more than looking at a screen, and feeling SO MUCH more alive when I keep a closer control on when I use it, why and how. The #unpluggedweekend habit is now something I love and look forward to starting…Thursday 😉 These tech habits and our access to screens is something that can just take over our attention and minds if we’re not careful. I’m so aware of how we’re modeling our priorities for the little ones, so this has been my huge and important challenge turned blessing.
Being creative in the kitchen (which I LOVE to do with my olders when we’re not rushed), being in my garden, doing art with the kids, talking to them, some yoga on the porch, lounging by the pool, reading good books, hikes and outings, these are the things that make my day rich. And over-documenting can certainly take some of the magic out of the moments too, so there’s a balance to be had. I know many of us are learning as we go, and I welcome your perspectives.
The constant juggle of little needs, for various stretches of the day, has certainly stretched me way beyond my comfort zone, and into the zone of self-gift. It’s a beautiful thing to realize that you’re giving all your energy and falling into bed or a bath at the end of the night, having spent it all on these little people, who are such gifts to me, and as crazy as they make me, I KNOW I want to keep that perspective of gratitude central, and also, this beautiful paradox that giving of ourselves just increases our capacity for more. Our hearts are not limited, even if our physical capacity (or my joke that I need 4 arms) is.
At least once a week I am grateful for babysitter time–a few hours to either focus on something work related, get out by myself, do an errand or self-care (reflexology is a favorite) and just re-balance mentally–it changes the whole week and allows me to be more fully present to them when I’m home.
The challenge—that is a blessing–of learning to be truly present, in the summer, just as they are to whatever they are doing. Taking life moment by beautiful moment, even if that means items don’t get checked off in the planner, or the day’s timing gets adjusted because we get lost in an activity, craft, playtime, or anything else. I am humbled and learning from the way they are fully present to it all, feeling it all (reacting exactly as they feel), and letting it change us.
By 10:30/11am, we’re usually ready for an outing (after Blaise’s morning nap, which can often stretch almost 2 hours–what a guy). The kids have had time to dress, we’ve prepped snacks/lunches as needed, and we’re ready to head out–whether it’s to pool, to pick up friends, a nearby hike, or something else that’s our main event of the day. Occasionally this will be an errand (though I tend to batch errands, save for weekends and mostly get stuff online–in my strong theme of “creating space” that I hone in on in my life design course). Taking 4 kids into a grocery store is almost a laughable excuse for entertaining the other shoppers. But when it needs to be done, we definitely do it 😉 I’ve dropped them all at the gym daycare with their buddies, and done a zumba class with a friend. It’s all about mixing it up, and making sure they have input in how we spend our days, referencing our big summer bucket list hung on the wall often to make sure we’re checking it all off. What a gift, these days are, when we can focus on the good stuff!
Whatever it is, we try to make sure it’s maximal energy expended, and fun, and weather consistent–ie, by water on the hot days, and library or indoor events on rainy days 😉
I have 2 little guys who need their naps, so I try to allow the day to flow around those with consistency. When we’re home all day, Blaise naps like a king–3 naps of 1-2 hours–gotta enjoy this phase while it lasts ;)–so it’s a tradeoff and balancing act of sometimes having the older kids just play in the sprinkler, the yard, do crafts, make their own fun while he naps happily here, or making Blaise push his midday nap back to get an outing in, or he’ll take it en-route in the car, or in my carrier. Ambrose does best with a 4pm ish nap, and usually after a good chunk of beach or pool time, he’s toast. The trick is always transitioning him into his bed…but on a few occasions, when the universe smiles upon me, I’ve had both boys sleeping at the same time (3-5ish) and will even get a quick siesta in my room or on the porch, an uninterrupted late lunch salad & energizing tea, some book time on the porch, and the girls play happily/make their own fun (or are lovingly reminded to read!) without their boisterous and interrupting brothers 😉
Fast forward to after 6pm, and we’re in dinner mode, I’m in my cooking (don’t interrupt me!) flow, usually planning meals around what I can pull right out of the garden; Joel comes home, and we try to spend a bit of time on the porch, or in the yard before it gets buggy and dark. The kids have chased and caught fire-flies on a few occasions and those are some of the best vivid memories from my childhood that I’m so glad they’ll have too. At least one night a week, we try to get out–whether it’s for a simple picnic, a concert in the park (with picnic), or just an easy meal out on a restaurant patio. It helps me to look forward to an evening or two without prep or cleanup, and we all enjoy dining al fresco and staying out until it’s dark. And sometimes, if the day has been especially crazy (and I didn’t get out in am for walk)…I’ll literally run out the door in my sneakers and head for a few mile run, as Joel jumps in to take over. The craziest days remind me to work hard to maintain my serenity and sanity, and sometimes the best solution is to #sweatitout and get some time away, a needed perspective. These moments can completely flip the evenings when needed…the marathon of dinners and bedtimes after an already full day can leave many mommas grabbing for the wine, but I try to find other outlets, like mindful movement. We find our balance, continually adjusting.
This summer, we did 1 main camp week (tennis) which had its own flow (brought the boys and I back to our daily walk and errands routines, etc), lots of play and swim dates, and other mini adventures like hiking, berry picking, and the pool on the hottest days (and it pays to have fun friends with pools too!:)
I love having the flexibility in the summer for long outdoor hangouts with friends that we’re often lacking of in the structured school year. And of course, sleepovers punctuate it, and make the kids especially grateful for and loving of the freedom to do these any night of the week. Summer nights are simply the best.
Having these slow days at home helps the kids (and I!) anticipate the bigger plans, and while it’s tempting to pack things in, we’re always better when we leave things open. One main outing per day works for everyone (2 smaller things if they are spaced out by a calm lunch and siesta time;), and if we push it too far, someone from any age group will let me know that it’s too much. Respecting this has been the main goal and challenge, and when it’s all over, I will be grateful for the lessons that it’s taught all of us. I also truly loved the days that we were home all day long. For someone who’s always out and about, resetting that expectation and just thriving in our own place helped me be grateful for all the little moments and rituals and watching the kids navigate the stages of the day. Sometimes, I just had to gently nudge them out the door, to remember to just enjoy their own patch of earth, their 2 acres that they run wild and use all their imagination and energy on…it doesn’t take much and I see them growing as a result of these hours of free play and more “encouraged” recreation, at home.
For someone who craves/loves personal development opportunities: working with, loving on, apologizing when I get upset/lose my cool, being present to littles and their needs is one of the best chances to grow and work on myself that I know of. Keeping the gratitude and perspective front and center can be hard from day to day, moment to moment, but I’m extra motivated since they will never be these exact ages/stages again, and it’s so special for each of them, watching them experience life, grow their capacity for love, and bring their particular selves to the summer flow. Their memories of summer time are always the strongest, so I want us all to look back on these days as beautiful, peaceful, transformative in all the right ways.
I’ve been reading Finding Flow, the follow up book to the incredible work Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (highly recommend it, it’s quite rigorous, not a light read at all, but wonderful if you like musing on the topics of what makes a good life). This quote is a good reminder to me, that how we choose to spend these moments is what truly counts.
A friend who has 4 kids told me that she’s found it helpful to have a bit of alone/one-on-one time each week with your kids once there are several. I totally agree and have been trying to implement this in little ways…the girls so appreciate a mini outing when it’s just me and them, and now that Blaise is of an age that it’s easier to pop out and leave him, I’ve aimed for this each week. Their little worlds are just exploding and I love being able to connect with them and work to be that listening ear, that mom that they can count on to be available, fun, and THERE for them. This matters more to me than any perfectly executed meal plan, or having the laundry all folded the same day it comes out of the dryer. Gulp. Priorities and working to do things with a sense of perspective, and most importantly, guilt free, will always be what I fight for. I don’t want to have regrets when I look back on these crazy, beautiful, sometimes overwhelming days.
In the midst of particularly crazy days, I have to pause and remind myself–these are the days you’ll look back and treasure. Trying to keep a sense of humor and not sweat all the small stuff is key for me. The house will be tidier, and quieter, again, very soon–when school starts back up. And then I’ll surely be missing these summer moments…but the very fact that we get to juxtapose them and appreciate each season means I’m able to put some things on hold/aside, and focus in on just the needs of each day. It’s a huge challenge for me (not to be living in the to-do list, the 1 or 5 year plan, or just “ahead” of where we are)…but I’m learning. These 4 are teaching me the absolute wonder and magic of each and every summer moment.
I want to know–if you’re living it or just reminiscing now–what were the best elements of your 2019 summer rhythms? And how did these days shape your heart?
Something I always learn (re-learn) in the summers–how important habits of self-care underlying our mothering efforts are, at every stage. See my post on summer self-care from last year.