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Tag: transformations

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10 Lessons about Transformation from Our Experience Renovating an Old Home

*Shout out of gratitude for my sister Annie who faithfully edits & improves these posts!*

Exactly a year ago, we signed the papers & grabbed the keys for our very own fixer upper home project, one that we knew would stretch & challenge us. In some ways, it’s a very good thing we didn’t know just how in over our heads we would feel last fall as we rushed to renovate most of the main spaces before moving in. We had no idea how it would all unfold, but we were excited & ready.

The good news is, here we are, a year later…so happy, so grounded and at home in this space that’s both old and new. It’s been a shelter & our true happy place during the turmoil of 2020. We’re thrilled with the progress we’ve made and always neck deep in the next project. Currently working on Phase II which is finishing the large basement & creating our ideal rec room, and finishing the mud room (garage entrance) and laundry space.

I sketched the outline for this post a year ago when I was fresh out of the late nights—staying up painting trim, welcoming crews each morning, and just generally in the thick of it. Even at that time, I could tell the experience was changing me and changing our family. But as with all things, it’s taken time for this post to go from a seed in my mind to germinated thoughts & experiences in full bloom.

Now, a full year later, I’m excited to take this anniversary as an opportunity to share some of these thoughts about our #pidelprojecthome (@pidelprojecthome).

  1. Transformations require massive amounts of patience.

We live in a world of quick updates & slap-dash before/afters bombarding us from social media. Not everyone likes to acknowledge the slow process, the messy middle, the curveballs, the two-steps-forward-one-step-back that comes with real, beautiful, timeless transformations…of homes and of our hearts & selves.

2. It often has to look worse before it looks better. 

Picture any house after the demo process of ripping everything out—piles of dust & old radiators, moldings, junk everywhere. We literally had four dumpsters for our project over the span of four months, slowly carting away old layers of the house to replace it with new.

It’s a bit like someone in the middle of a KonMari de-cluttering when all their belongings are laid out in piles on their floor. It can be hard to start these kinds of excavations of spaces and selves because we’re fearful of this element of the process. It quickly becomes larger than our control, and we have to surrender to the process itself, until with the lack of tidiness comes a true sense that big things are happening here. That’s when we have to lean in.

3. People won’t undertand the process and that’s okay. 

During our intense nine-week timeframe for renovation (yes, we did it as a major sprint because we didn’t have to be living there during the time), I felt like we were in a bubble, a completely all-engrossing cloud, that others couldn’t really reach us in.

That was hard for me at first, and then I became at peace with it. Sometimes, when you’re committed to making big changes in your life, and you set out to take those actions, it will feel lonely at first. Things are shifting & the relationships in your life may change too. Not everyone will be able to relate to where you are and why you’re doing it. That’s okay. Once you move past the grief of this, it can be incredibly freeing.

And these times of intense growth can still allow for powerful relationships, it just has to be based on a new kind of communication and an acknowledgment of just how different things are. You need people who can love you where you’re at, as you evolve. Anyone who can relate to & stick with you through an intense growth phase is a keeper, a friend you will value more deeply than ever. 

4. The vision is what will enable you to carry through the tough moments.

I talk a lot about vision boards. There’s something so important and powerful about creating a clear vision of where you’re headed. With design, it’s obviously an essential step to creating the new space, but it has a similar importance when we’re considering the future life that we’re creating for ourselves (and how our own personal work ties into that life vision).

It’s scary, but so powerful to put a visual up on a wall (yes, I’m a big believer in doing it old-school style for maximum daily connection) to remind yourself every day where you’re headed. Keeping eyes on that vision is your best chance to pulls through the tough moments when we wonder whether it’s all worth it. 

5. The result of hard work is always beautiful, and you’re forever changed. 

This one is so simple, but so powerful. When we sat up & rubbed the dust off (and took off our painting clothes), we looked at each other, my husband and I, and marveled at just how much we had changed, alongside the spaces we were working on.

Our hearts & our eyes can see when work has been poured into a space (or a personal transformation). The love and care & detail that went into it becomes its spirit. Same with our own inner work: the results show up in who we become and enter into every future interaction we have. It’s the BE-DO-HAVE model, lived out. In order to be ready to welcome our abundant beautiful life in our new home, it required us to allow ourselves to change first, before having what we had desired & envisioned. (More on this in my life design program if you’re intrigued)

6. Simplicity is always a good idea. Complicating things creates more excuses, mental clutter, & reasons for it not to work. Keep it simple. 

This is just as true with personal growth as with an old home. Don’t overcomplicate things. Stay focused on the vision & the clear path that can get you there. Over-complicating things is usually a form of resistance—our brain & ego keeping us from just GOING FOR IT and going all in.

7. You will NOT do it alone.

Yes, you may experience loneliness as you realize that your former relationships aren’t carrying you in the same way on this courageous journey you’re on. But in reality, there will be key people who serve as inspiration, as mentors, as coaches, as friends, and you will be amazed by the NEW help & relationships that come into your life when you undertake this kind of journey. We absolutely learned this during our project, and we were blown away by the people that stepped up & truly saw this project out to its conclusion, even when the going got tough and the deadlines were real. 

8. The effort is transformative in itself because we learn to work hard for things that matter to us.

This one was a hard one for me, and boy did our home renovation teach us this. It’s easy to focus on the glamorous side of a reno: picking out the tiles, materials, and colors. But then you hit the nitty gritty: the late nights, encouraging workers to meet their deadlines, hauling materials in every weekend, the millions of runs to Home Depot, bringing out boxes and boxes in an ice storm as part of project clean up…these are the experiences that make us love & value our home even more. The lessons learned from the hard work can be seen as their own reward…and they add to the beauty of the final product!

9. Break it into simple, doable steps, day by day, so as not to get overwhelmed.

This is very true in reno life. It’s literally, one thing at a time, one layer at a time, overlapping trades needed for certain moments, building upon each other’s work. The over-arching goal remains, but the steps & focus for each day is bite-sized. The way we kept ourselves from being overwhelmed in moments with this huge house project was to focus on what we could accomplish just in that day or week. Then the next. And soon…you realize it’s nearly complete!

It’s true in our personal work too. It’s why I coach my clients not to set too many goals or priorities…feeling overwhelmed will keep you from moving any of them forward. Same thing goes for setting stretch or unreachable goals—we need to be working on something that we can see to the end of, and then we go a bit further the next time, building momentum & confidence as we go. Set yourself up to have frequent, small wins, and soon you’ll be addicted to the stretch & growth of personal development.

We moved in 4 days before Christmas so this felt like a true Christmas miracle.

10. Stay humble and make gratitude the focus.

Loving attention to detail, bringing order & beauty, and new life & vision out of old & worn out habits/patterns/ways of life is the great gift we are all called to discover & live. Transforming an old home last year drove home all these lessons that I’ve been learning in my own work in personal development, my own journey, as well as coaching others through transformations in their health, life, and businesses. 

The gift of living in a home that has been transformed through a vision made reality by daily sweat, communication, logistics, and effort, that we had the privilege to shape, design, and put intentional effort is a great reminder of a deep truth about all transformations. Namely, we must trust the process, build patience, stay open to all the ways that change, once begun, will be out of our control and will take us to places we’ve never even imagined going.

However, the initial choice is always ours—to take a chance and begin to tear down old walls, so that new ones can be built. 

Are you ready to tear down some walls? To embrace a journey of transformation that encompasses all aspects of mindset, facing resistance to change, and powering into a place of inspired momentum, check out my life design course, enrolling now for fall 2020, the last time it will be open until spring 2021! 

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Tis the season: simplified holidays

This season of the year can feel like the mad dash to cram in all the things we needed to finish for 2017, fill the days with new (wonderful) events and activities, parties, people, and sometimes, the very thought of our to-do lists and calendars can make us sweat a little…

I’ve been reflecting on what it means to simplify the holidays…and it’s something many of our hearts long for–as I talk to dear friends around the country…it will look different for each of us, but I’ve felt called since last week to write a post to attempt to put my reflections on this topic into a short post that will create space in your heart and your mind rather than cramming it full. We can support each other in taking steps to create a simpler, more joyful December.

Here’s a rich quote that I discovered today (thanks St. Ambrose)…and it really sums up more beautifully than I could, what we’re grappling with.

“Let your door stand open to receive Him, unlock your soul to Him, offer Him a welcome in your mind, and then you will see the riches of simplicity, the treasures of peace, the joy of grace. Throw wide the gate of your heart, stand before the sun of the everlasting light…” -St Ambrose

(I think that whatever faith tradition you’re coming from; this time of year connected to the soltice etc is about turning inward, reflection, considering the state of one’s heart going into the new year, and is apropos to the feasts that each faith celebrates).

The riches of simplicity. That’s what I’m after. And it’s a struggle, because the great current and culture (just step into any mall on a weekend) is rushing past us saying “more, more”.

So, how does this creating of space look? I’ll consider several angles and share some things we’ve found helpful as a family over the years…(And believe me, I’m completely in process on this, and need your ideas and sharing to support mine). There’s a book I’m just starting called “The best Yes” and the premise of it is that saying “no” in small areas allows us to say “yes” to the things that really matter, and that is what allows us to step off the crazy race of feeling pulled in a million directions and wondering which aspects of it all will have the most meaning. Think back to past holidays–what moments stand out? The crazy last minute trips to the mall or the grocery store for the 3rd time that day (hey, guilty)…or the moments when everyone is together, feasting, celebrating, or even quiet preparation moments—candles, music, baking with kids (or without)…I’m choosing to create space to let the good stuff come first…and that’s going to mean some things just won’t happen this year, and I’m making my peace with that too.

*Simplifying priorities and calendar*

…this helps me so much. If I know something like a tree-cutting as a family, Nutcracker, or ice-skating is a priority for us, I’ve learned to schedule it in at once (block scheduling) so that if other things come up or we’re invited here or there, I can already know that our priorities are there, scheduled, ready for us to enjoy the moments.

Some people love doing Christmas cards, others don’t. Some people love doing parties 4 nights a week. Others of us can handle 1 or 2 and that’s about our max at the moment…so embrace your priorities and let go of any guilt…I know doses of it in past years when confronting choices and it ends up adding to my stress, which none of us need.

*Simplifying expectations*

Isn’t this the kicker? We all want to do so many things with each day. We have long idealized to-do lists. But sometimes letting go of those expectations and welcoming what is offered to us in the moment, in the twists and turns of the day, is where we’ll discover the true magic of the season. Perhaps instead of making cookies for everyone you love, you invite some folks over for a cookie party–one place, everyone laughs, enjoys, decorates together, and takes home a plate (we did this one year with little ones and it was a big hit…and saved so much time/extra stuff for me). Maybe you let yourself off the hook for doing the elaborate holiday get-together you did in past years, and embrace a potluck brunch model with friends…last year, when I had a newborn, I had to simplify expectations I had (for myself) big-time!, and while it was humbling, it was also incredible to discover the core of some of our most important traditions, which appeared when alot was stripped away.

*Simplifying gifts*w3

Am I the only one? I struggle with the tension of wanting the perfect thing for each person on my list, and being also torn with the time and effort (and even budget) sometimes to get all those things taken care of in just a few weeks. And really, for people close to us and people far, don’t they value things that are ,unusual, home-made, from the heart? I don’t claim to be a pinterest mom by any stretch of the imagination, but of course I like the idea of making things for people…so simple things and considering how often I can give experiences or time, helps with making the list very meaningful and something that lasts more than a day. Our kids this year are of course going to have a few things under the tree, but we’re also really emphasizing experiences, learning opportunities, fun, things we can commit to doing with them. And for many of us, something like a certificate to “brunch” or “a movie together” or “watching your kids while you go out with your husband” might end up meaning SO much more…the gift of time, as we all know, blesses others more richly than we can imagine. Or what about giving a book you cherish AND giving the coffee date to discuss said book…it truly changes the gift when framed in that way.

I do like to keep some easy (remember, not pinteresty) gifts around for the kids to make for family and friends…here are some of our favorites.

This is the biggest topic that moms and dads (and everyone) have to discern and discuss, since it’s such a joy to watch children open anticipated (or surprise) gifts on Christmas. But for many of us, the goal of keeping the rest of the year (and homes) simple can feel at odds on this count….so please, share your thoughts!

*Space for self-care* (and teaching this to our kids).

This one is super relevant for moms, dads, teachers, and anyone who’s caring for others in all the ways we love to, but especially this season. It’s relevant for all of us. The demands can get very intense, and, as you might imagine, my gentle nudge to you is to embrace a higher level of self-care//wellness//whatever that means to you….when you’re more complete, more whole, you’re giving a better version of yourself to everyone you encounter. This might mean yoga every day for a few minutes, a bath after the end of a long day, it might mean midday walks (these are my saving grace, for my energy and winter mood, plus can be done with kiddos), it might mean carving out the time for reflection, prayer and using an advent journal such as the one I’m loving called Rooted in Hope. It might mean (guilty), setting an alarm to remind yourself to go to bed so you can be a functioning human being the next day; it might mean drinking shakes and taking your vits in the morning before you start sipping cocktails at night…whatever it is, factor it in, and embrace it as part of what you’re called to do in the name of service, self-gift, and bringing holiday cheer.

For my kids, it’s reminding them to take moments for themselves as needed, to still get outside for fresh air even when it’s bitter, and to be aware when they’re feeling the need for quiet time, reading, time apart. Emma is doing a journal with me, I love that she understands (and is reinforced at school)–the deeper reason for the season beyond santa wish lists.

Festive morning yoga and stretching: making it happen as best we can.

*Space for service*

Connected to giving time and experiences, I find it a beautiful thing to do a service project (or 2) this time of year. The girls have several gift drives in their school and our Church, which I love and they are beautiful ways to connect to the larger community’s experience of the season. But what about giving these precious hours during the craziest time of the year? I remember last year I had to work hard to find a group that would let us volunteer as a family (many places have rules about small children etc) but when we were able to help out at a Christmas pageant/dinner with the Missionaries of charity, it was the most beautiful evening shared, and we left feeling so much more filled and touched than we could have imagined. I would sacrifice a shopping day for that kind of family experience anytime. Do you like to do service this time of year? Share your experiences, I’ll be thrilled to get new ideas from you all.

*Creating space in the home*

Right before the holidays, there’s often a big desire/push to declutter and evaluate excess/extra that can be given away to others. We may have guests coming, we have a myriad of new holiday decor out, and without a bit of clearing space, it can feel downright crowded/cluttered.
I have in the past years, had the girls go through their toys and pick ones they would donate to others, and we’ve cleared out sometimes up to 1/3rd of their belongings at this time, which truly they weren’t using/attached to! These make great gifts to others in need, or end of year tax write-offs if nothing else.

Now, that I have a new method for managing toys and do more of an ongoing (KonMari/Spark Joy) method for their items, it’s become less critical, but I did go through and remove 1.5 bins of toys from their stash, and if, after the holidays, we don’t seem to need/notice them for a few months, they may get donated too.

This is such a beautiful analogy to how we’re called to create space in our hearts…and the physical act of decluttering, and also giving beauty and precedence/honor to the things we choose to keep and display, is a spiritual experience for many of us as well. More on that in the new year from me (hop on my list to see the program offerings that are coming….so important, right? We all feel this need to consciously and gratefully craft homes that are not overwhelming or overflowing…it’s a joyful balancing act, and truly one of privilege. When we feel spaciousness, there is room for new. And don’t we all want to be made new by the eve of December 31st….ready for what 2018 will offer us, if we have the calm, peace, and spaciousness to receive it.

Thank you for reading these ramblings, I hope you’ll share your thoughts on the matter…and next up…some healthy holiday treats coming your way!a

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Be. Do. Have. Principles for life and leadership

I was reflecting the other day on what I think a huge piece of our daily mindset and happiness comes from, and how we can approach anything, from goal setting for the new year coming up, to raising our kids, to looking forward to something positive in the new year like an exotic trip. Some conversations with close friends highlighted that when we’re making changes, we wonder how to make sure it will stick; do we have the right framework for it, to make the habits, goals, and all other elements come together? What tools will ensure that this change we’re working on is lasting and meaningful?

Well, I think it has to do with this paradigm shift that literally blew my mind and caused me to re-evaluate so many principles and things I was working with, from relationships, to teammate interactions, goal setting sessions, even my daily to-do list and how I approached it with a fierceness, convinced that if I conquered it I would rest that night with that blissful feeling of doing it all, but in reality–any mom can tell you–the day had a million interruptions and sometimes those all important items became an afterthought to the living. Do we measure success by our to-do list being short, or by something else?

So….how can we approach life differently? How can we create/cultivate happiness, in each moment, complete for what it is, as if we already have what we seek? You and I all know people who manage to live this way…and they are often very attractive, so they have natural leadership qualities. But what is this new approach?

Here’s a quote that sums it up better than I ever could:

Most people believe that if they ‘have’ a thing (more time, money, love – whatever) then they can finally ‘do’ a thing (write a book, take up a hobby, go on vacation, buy a home, undertake a relationship), which will enable them to ‘be’ a thing (happy, peaceful, content, or in love). In actuality, they are reversing the Be-Do-Have paradigm. In the Universe as it really is (as opposed to how you think it is), ‘havingness’ does not produce ‘beingness’ but the other way around. First you ‘be’ the thing called ‘happy’ (or ‘knowing’, or ‘wise’, or ‘compassionate’, or whatever) then you start ‘doing’ things from this place of beingness – and soon you discover that what you are doing winds up bringing you the things you’ve always wanted to ‘have.’ Conversations with God, Book 3, Neale Donald Walsh

So…imagine if you woke up and said…today, I choose to be _________ (peaceful, joyful, focused (on a deadline), vibrant, lighthearted, etc) and then set out to do your day, from that conviction that you already can be and are that thing. It’s a grounding in ourselves and not relying on things outside of us to determine our mood or attitude about the day. Incredibly powerful shift, though so subtle that you might feel that your day itself doesn’t look that much different. But try it out and it will FEEL incredible different.

I was loving this concept and using it alot in my business, which is all about setting goals and helping your teammates to set big goals…because sometimes for myself or others, this funny thing would happen….month after month, with growth, new business, success, milestones, even accolades, we can sometimes feeling empty inside, or “is this enough”. Or, well, time to focus on the next big goal–to try to that proud feeling of accomplishment that is so sweet and is hardwired in us to enjoy.

It’s like you’ve been waiting all year for your birthday, and then the sheer anticipation overwhelms the actual event and makes it hard to have perspective on what you’re actually enjoying about the big day.

Can anyone else relate? Especially my goal lovers out there who love a good goal to keep ourselves in motion. Well, it turns out…there’s something else here. We have to, get to, learn to love the journey, not just the destination. That’s where the being and the doing come in. If I just tell myself, I will be happy when I get that next raise at work, or next month at the holidays, or I’ll be happy when my kids finally start listening better, or I’ll be happy when I have a new wardrobe, or sofa,…you see what I mean? It’s always outside of us, of our control, and it’s always beckoning us to be dis-satisfied with what we currently have. It screams louder when we go on social media and compare, compare, feel upset, guilty, pitty party, everyone else’s life is (looks) perfect and mine is…well, real life.

Give yourself permission to let that go. Connect with what you’re feeling called to BE in the world (we’ll do more of this work in my design your life series in the new year, so hop on over to the page and submit your info if you’re intrigued). And let’s shine and use our gifts in a way that is free and unlinked to anything that we feel we should HAVE or DO, that hasn’t happened yet.

For me, this has taught me to focus a bit more on what my spirit is calling forth in me. If there’s a need for greater outspokenness, or greater peace or patience (in my household that’s always a good one!), or if I’m meant to start with gratitude for what I already have rather than thinking of the few things I don’t have. It’s a powerful lesson to work on with kids as well, because why, at a young age, do we get hardwired this way? I’m definitely trying to re-wire or un-wire the circuits so my kids are free to focus on BEING, rather than be products of cultures of DOING or HAVING. Watch a 4 year old play and you’ll see and remember it all used to be much simpler….and there’s a beauty in that. You can think more about this topic by reading The Four Agreements, another one of my top reads.

In leadership, it means focusing in on the qualities or aspects of your partners or teammates and speaking to THOSE first. Rather than “here’s a deadline, I’ll be judging you by your efforts and productivity to meet it”. Or, exploring the perspective of where a person wants to be, and asking the question–but WHY? And getting down to the deepest layer of what drives them forward; within that motivation, we find the desire and the being, that is much more fundamental to us than our need to DO or HAVE.

My daily planner which I’ve been using for 2 years (just ordered my 3rd for 2018! Happy dance) is one called “The Desire Map Planner” by Danielle LaPorte. It spoke to me on a deep level when I was at a crossroads (read, overwhelmed by life!) and was ready to implement these principles for goal setting and action from a place of being and becoming, and feeling, rather than traditional yardsticks. It may not be for everyone, but it’s changed my life, and I HIGHLY recommend it if you’re in the market for a planner…that’s another post for another day, but give yourself permission to explore these topics, and enjoy the way your life shifts!

Great short article with some practical types on working your new muscle.

http://www.davidyarian.com/articles/be-do-have.htm

Be, Do, Have